A drunk text is something to believe in. The classic misspellings, the deep, emotional longing for human connection and, of course, Taco Bell. A drunk text is simply a work of art—the Mona Lisa of our time. While some signs are more likely to drunk-text than others, we are all more likely to reach out to exes, friends, and people better left uncontacted whenever we imbibe the sauce.
But before we get into the zodiac signs as drunk texts, let me first make a case for the Drunk Text: Who are we to deny ourselves of the earthly pleasure that is texting our coworker a picture of a bathroom stall at 2 a.m.? I want to meet those that would try to stop us (read: me) from the creative pursuit of contacting people at ungodly hours while intoxicated. I want to look them in their gimlet eyes and demand justice. Give me drunk texts, or give me death!
Let me break it down for you (because no one can stop me, and I am as low-brow as they come, my babies): There is nothing as poetic as a drunk text sent with intention and joie de vivre. (Or maybe, if you’re me, sentimental sloppiness bordering on creepy.) Robert Frost WHO, you know? You think Shakespeare had the wherewithal to text a girl he met at a pub a meme of like, I don’t know, some really weird looking sheep? NO. You can thank 2019 for that. And you thought romance was dead.
OK, fine, now back to business. Here’s each sign as a super embarrassing drunk text—autocorrect typos and all.
lol u up? ;)[ we should play darts again son. i want a rematch
Aries, a fire sign, is always up for a game or some witty banter. When drunk, they want someone to help them keep the party going. They don’t want the fun to stop, even after last call.
hey tiger. where are you gonna be in 2 hours?
[10 min later]
i know u miss me and ps that girl you’re seeing is like the downgraded Verizon of ME!
Taurus knows their worth, and their drunk texts are bound to be full of sass and, perhaps, a tinge of jealousy (if they think it’s warranted). Typically affectionate, they are not above a late-night booty call if they think if will be successful.
remember when I blew ur mind (and other things ;)) in that elevator on hour lunch break? yea, me too. sorry for ruining you’re life
Gemini lives for the double-entendre, and their texts can be flirty while bordering on obscene. They want you to know that they’re thinking about you—but it might be more important for a Gemini to know that you are thinking of them.
I still love you even though I know that we are both just so good for other people and the way table u,
[5 minutes later, after no response]
Why are u so MEANo me???/
Sweet, loving Cancer. They’re the sign to drunk-text for reassurance, or just to show you how much they care. Their drunk texts are usually sweet and sometimes soppy. They don’t take kindly to being ignored, and they are quick to become prickly if you don’t respond in kind.
why did u block me on IG and snapchat? U jelly or what? thought u didn’t care…
Leo loves drama, and they don’t limit themselves to drunk texting just one person. A good night for them will have several conversations going at once, until something shiny captures Leo’s attention. They have (mostly) good intentions.
Hey, thinking about you. I hope you’re doing well. Heard the new Bon Iver and thought of you…
Virgo is always meticulous, even when tipsy or drunk. Unlike most of the other signs, their texts will be typo-free and relatively normal. They won’t dredge up shit from the past and will usually leave their texts open-ended so if no response is given, there aren’t hard feelings.
cant believe I wasted my prime on you. When I met u, u could bounce a quarter off my ass for real. get bent
Libra is usually even-tempered, but enough tequila will bring out their more impatient and impractical side. They want to argue, because in their mind, they’re always right. While this can seem off putting—they’re usually forgiving and can even be vulnerable if you give them the right opening.
hey if you keep using my Netflix im going to call your aunt and tell her that you’re the one that sent her an anonymous DM that her bridesmaid dress made her look like Bon Jovi
Scorpio is always a sharp blade, and a drunk text from them can definitely change the course of your night. Even drunk, Scorpios mean what they say and know what they’re doing. Tread carefully, because hell hath no fury like a Scorpio scorned.
im in NY and i saw a good dog. His name was Melvin! melVIN1. can you believe it. Also, u broke my heart into a thousand pieces
Smart Sagittarius knows how to start (or save) a conversation, even when plastered. Their straight-forward nature and energy can charm any sign, but make sure not to take them too seriously when they’re drunk. Their hearts can be fickle, and promises of a hang-out or vacation are likely to be forgotten once they’ve fallen asleep.
everyone is being annoying and loud nad if I don’t get Taco Beel in the next hour I am going to e x p l o d.
Capricorn is a good time until they decide not to be, in which case, everyone else is basically screwed. A drunk text from them won’t be sentimental or nostalgic—it’ll come with a call to action. Whether it be food, a ride, or a change of clothes, Capricorn’s drunk texts are usually just business. Though they can surprise you.
I really want to go swimming can we please go swimming u seriously never let me do ANYTHING fun everrrrrrrrrr. Also I lost my debit card at the show0
Aquarius is a night-owl, and they love to be entertained, so they are a good bet for a drunk text. Their indecisive nature can make their texts a little erratic and unpredictable, but typically funny and with purpose. Don’t expect them to be practical or even make sense.
I changed my mind. I miss u. can we meet up for coffee soon? im not dunkp
Dreamy Pisces is used to getting what they want, even if others don’t agree. Their texts will likely be honest but exaggerated, and they may even border on tedious if Pisces feels like they aren’t being heard. Above all, try to make Pisces feel validated, and they’ll appreciate it—tipsy or sober.